This is a mandatory blog post for the Wagoner Foreign Study Fellowship…and was written two weeks ago.

Because the Smithsonian is an American institution, I was mainly surrounded by Americans and not Panamanians. I lived in a bit of a “science bubble,” which may not necessarily be Panamanian culture, but still something that required me to adjust accordingly. I experienced culture shock of a different kind, one that was more directly related to the field I want to go into after graduation.

Working in science, especially in the field, requires grit, endurance, and determination. A day in the field usually means a physically intensive 9-hour day in the ocean or on land, collecting samples and taking measurements of the ecosystem. You pass out as soon as you finish eating dinner, unable to do much of anything else due to exhaustion. You also have to prepare to wake up early in the morning to put on your swimsuit that is still wet from the day before.

In my experience, science takes no breaks – samples can be sensitive and require proper treatment, regardless of what day of the week it is. For the first two months of my summer, I worked six days a week every week in order to collect everything that was needed to be analyzed later in the molecular lab. I thought things would calm down after these long days in the field, but the molecular lab was not any different. There is no strict 9-5 work schedule, because DNA is sensitive and most protocols I started required I finish them all the way through before leaving. I constantly needed to be productive and working or else I would not get done at a reasonable hour. In the molecular lab, I worked 12-hour days about half the time, but mostly got both Saturdays and Sundays off.

Needless to say, the largest culture shock I experienced while in Panama was the culture of overworking. Everyone, not just my group, was subject to long and highly productive work days. The pressure of finishing projects as quickly as possible comes less from a single person or boss and more from the competitive nature of funding that is ever increasing in the science field. In order to start one project, in order to get more money, in order to have employment, you have to finish what you already have on hand – and what you have on hand better be good, because it’s probably a stepping stone to what happens next.

These reasons, external to me and who I worked with, are why I’ve come to terms with how stressed out and anxious I was as a product of this summer. There were sources of stress that I could not see or control that were affecting my daily life – but no one is to blame. The best I could do was remain optimistic, positive, helpful, and generous with my time. I also continued to express my gratitude for other peoples’ help – most of the time, I felt like I was inconveniencing people, and the least I could do was give a sincere thank you. It’s hard to remember to be gracious and acknowledge people for the work they do in this type of environment, because it’s expected of you to overwork and not complain about it. As long as my days were, there was always someone (probably my PI) working even more. It took me a long time to really stop taking everything so personally, which helped a lot.

It’s easy to get caught up in all of the downs I had this summer, because there were many. My project intimidated me and challenged me to rise to the occasion. I am so relieved that it is done now and everything worked, and now I feel very grateful for having such a difficult (at times) experience. I genuinely learned so much about so many aspects of marine biology (and I still have so much to learn about data analyses), and I could not have done that if I felt relaxed and detached from my work. I was totally immersed and treated like a real scientist, without much room for error. The worst thing to do in these kind of situations is be anxious and nervous – something I really had to combat in the last month I was here. In an environment that feels very tense, you have to learn to remain calm and relax. Kind of weird that I learned how to zen out at a molecular lab, but even faking that feeling was crucial for some of my last days where every day I was learning and doing a new skill.

The one thing that I have really appreciated having in Panama is independence, but independence is also one thing I have missed from the United States. I’ve gotten independence working on my own project and mainly calling all of my own shots, but I still don’t feel comfortable getting around Panama on my own to explore it. In Houston, I can get into my car and drive to wherever I want to go without having to worry about a language barrier or my personal safety, but I never fully got over those aspects of Panama, unfortunately. Of course, I also miss having my friends and parents close-by. I cannot wait to see them!